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Friday, 12 November 2010

Toxic thoughts?

My first night under medication passed in a feverish and fitful state. I faded in and out of consciousness, even then I was seldom fully aware. I knew I was awake but sleep must have been close as I was not fully connected with my surroundings. I don't think that I once registered that Emma was in bed beside me but I did see dark figures crouching at the side of my bed, in the dark. How is that possible? Seeing shadows in the dark, not possible; but I could really see them, so definitely that I could almost make out features. The dark, sad, faces were looking at me, pleading and hopeful. But, it was just for a second, a brief moment when I comprehended their underlying emotion. Then it was gone and I returned to my default state of faded consciousness.

On and off, I faded and returned. All the time the shadows cowered, clustered and shifted, a distinct difference from the soaring, frightening apparitions I had become accustomed to. As I fell into a deep sleep a voice called, a woman's voice called, all it said was; 'We are fading', it was distinct and definite. Then I slept.

This morning, and in fact, this afternoon, OK, all day, has been a bit of a blur. I have been taking my new medication religiously and conforming to my new mental health regime; no alcohol, no illicit connections and absolutely no fun. However, last nights memories, dreams and thoughts are still hovering in my mind, still clouding my already cloudy brain and I only have a very few areas of focus. The shades in their way reflect my own feelings, I now see them properly I think. But, why the plea? Fading? I've just taken my pills and need to sleep, my thinking is getting difficult. I need to focus.

More later. If I can!

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