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Saturday, 13 November 2010

Not doing much; I wish!

Two things happened today, both could be looked upon as further evidence that my sanity is slowly departing, but to me they were both very real. The first happened early this morning as I arose to pay a call of nature, but I'll come back to that as the second is more important and I want to get that covered first.

After last night my mind is buzzing, I am also starting to question everything I see and hear. Emma packed the kids off for the weekend to relatives just up the road, so we have the house to ourselves this weekend. I know that this was done with the best intentions, allowing me to recover in peace; 'recover in peace' more like; 'get used to my medication and stop being embarrassing'. I am starting to get the impression that Emma is feeling very self-conscious on a social level with my recently uncovered mental illness and as such is happy to dose me up and lock me away. I know you will read this Emma but that's how I feel so please just accept it and allow this whole thing to run its course and I am sure all will be well in time.

It's Saturday and normally I would be listening to the radio and the football scores etc. but today I really felt like just resting. I am finding it very difficult to focus, to concentrate on anything for very long. I can't watch DVDs or read books for very long, it's almost as though anything that requires an extended span of thought induces a mental 'fog' and my attention wanders to something else (my writing probably reflects this). I was sitting in the lounge with the recliner extended just staring at the TV, I wasn't taking anything in but I think Emma had put Reggie Perrin on to maybe make me consider my mid-life crisis, which may be the cause of my condition. I was suddenly shaken back to the here and now when my mobile buzzed, the tone indicated a text. I fumbled in my dressing-gown pocket and dropped the handset, they are so small and fiddly these days, my sausage fingers can hardly strike the correct keys half the time. Emma appeared almost immediately. She snatched up the phone and checked out the received message. Apparently it was from Sue, Emma accused me of sending it myself and launched into a searching frenzy in an attempt to find the other mobile phone, the one I was sending the deluded messages from. She ranted and screamed and would not believe that I didn't know anything about it.

After an hour she stopped ripping the room apart and disappeared in tears, with my phone still in hand. I was left to watch the endlessly running adverts on the 'On demand' channel and soon dozed into oblivion.

When I awoke, Emma was there with my meal, medication and a cup of tea. She was smiling and very calm. I guess she was resolved to ensure I continued in my sedative state and awaited the time when I would be appraised, medicated and cured. I was too laid back to care, I took my pills, relaxed and once again fell asleep.

The first encounter, which I am covering second happened last night, or more correctly very early this morning at around three AM. Normally I awake slowly, my hearing returns and I fade into consciousness over time, this time I was suddenly awake. One moment I was in a deep sleep, the next I was fully awake. For a brief second I thought I could make out many shadowy forms hurrying from view, shrinking back into the darker areas of the room. Or at least I thought I did. Emma was fast asleep and I didn't want to wake her just because I needed the loo. Our bathroom is downstairs due to the way these terraced Victorian houses have all been extended and modified in this area so we usually leave at least one light to light our way. Tonight the light left on was the one next to the bathroom, my dark descent to the beacon seemed crammed with shadows that shrank from me as I advanced. One, however, did not. As she hovered before me I began to make out facial features and expressions, I began to perceive colours and even her aura, which glowed in a warm orange. Her dark brown smock rippled as she turned and beckoned for me to follow, which I did.

She took me to the lounge, which at this time of the morning was dark, quiet and alien. She floated before the TV and gestured for me to sit, I did. The room remained dark but the TV flickered, not into life but seemed to reflect something happening in the room.

I saw my interview with the consultant at the hospital from an elevated perspective, I also saw a large, dark figure standing behind the doctor resting a hand on her shoulder. I heard the discussion and at salient points the dark figure would squeeze the shoulder of the doctor. These points were decision points and every time these decisions went against me; medication, review, they all sought to put me in my place and ignore anything I said.

I felt more than saw or heard this bit the moment I understood she smiled and faded away, leaving me alone in the lounge. Unfortunately, it was at this at this point that Emma chose to wake and seek me out. I'm not doing myself any favours really.

More later.

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