Blog Archive

Monday, 15 November 2010

I've gone too far

 I'm sitting in a cheap hotel room wondering if I've done the right thing.

The first piece of advice that I can pass on from today is; 'never have a major domestic argument when you are having a psychological evaluation.'
The second is to not tell your psychiatrist that she doesn't know what she's talking about when the subject of your sectioning arises. But I am getting too far ahead of myself.

Today was my first real appointment with the mental consultant, I have no idea what her real title is but that is what it amounts to. Emma was keen to have me looking respectable and smart, she helped me dress and made me feel more like I was physically disabled rather than my potential mental disorder. I did, however let this pass.

Our neighbours have been very supportive and helped take the kids to school, Emma and I left early for the hospital, the shadows swooped and swarmed as if to stop me.

The wait at the hospital was minimal, I surmise that an appointment with the consultant we are scheduled to see is rare and the time honoured almost to the minute. We entered the large office, sat before the wide desk and waited for our consultation to begin. I felt distracted and detached, there were no shadows here and the woman sitting before me had no glow. Emma sat quietly and demurely, I felt rising irritation. When the doctor finally spoke I had really reached the end of my tether. I accused them both of fabricating the means to bring me here, I accused Emma of manufacturing evidence and ignoring facts. The doctor asked me why I felt that way and I responded with another tirade of accusations. She proceeded in an obvious process to qualify and identify my major issues and problems but I was having none of it. I asserted that my visions and encounters with the agents of the supernatural world were correct and that it was their blinkered, small minds that prevented them the same beneficial gifts. I suppose I should have stopped there, but I didn't. I may have begun to shout and may have swore and become slightly more animated than I should.

The consultant responded and told me that she had been following my blog and was concerned with my delusions and progression into potential schizophrenia and extreme paranoia.

The upshot was that it was suggested that I spend some time in hospital in order that the exact nature of my problem may be assessed by a dedicated psychiatrist. I could see where this was going and was very aware that at any time a very heavy muscled team of 'nurses' could be summoned. I agreed but asked if I could first go home to collect a few items to occupy my time whilst I was evaluated, the consultant, and Emma, both agreed.

Back home, Emma packed my hospital bag and I packed my personal things. My wife is intensely practical and was ensuring that I had enough underwear, pyjamas and toiletries. I on the other hand was packing a very personal rucksack.

By the time the ambulance arrived I was gone; wallet, laptop and mobile phone, packed securely I turned my back on a term in a psychiatric ward and turned my mind on discovering the truth.

So here I am in a small, snug and slightly seedy hotel room in Southsea typing up todays events. I will find Sue tomorrow, if she exists and take it from there.

I know that you are reading this Emma and I am so, so sorry. I DO love you, but I also need to figure this out. I need to prove to myself if I am losing my mind or all of this is true.

I apologise for the nature of this post but I am somewhat emotional.

More later. I promise.


  1. I am sorry to hear about your troubles.
    I struggled with some truths after my eyes were opened to some things I apparently couldn't handle in 2003.
    They tried to section me too, yet I ran away and stayed with friends in a different county and slowly came to accept what I had uncovered about the world.
    I know how hard it is, and how lonely it can be.
    Have faith and stand strong in your beliefs for you will be vindicated in the end.
    I salute you!