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Thursday, 18 November 2010

Calling Tom!

I awoke this morning with a burning sense of purpose but with no apparent reason for it. I knew I had been dreaming but found it hard to remember anything that had passed through my subconscious mind. I knew it was related to my current predicament, I could remember snapshots of Sue trying to talk to me, to explain something, but a thick, black viscous blob kept engulfing her. Not hard to explain but I could not remember the context nor remember subsequent events. No matter, my positive feeling prevailed, an unexplainable sense of well being and energy without evident foundation or cause. It was after nine and as such the house was empty, nearly empty anyway; Johnnie was fussing around, he was muttering about the mess the girls had left in lounge after a night watching DVDs and eating ice-cream. I had sat with them for a while to introduce myself, they were polite and chatty but I think that they eyed me a little with suspicion. They were both young, nineteen-ish, and attractive but were wary and slightly reserved. I left them to it and retired early.

There was nothing in last night's activities that would have made me feel so positive this morning nor anything that would have led me to dream such lucid, forgettable notions through the night. Johnnie ended up making tea and toast for me and was very helpful and chatty, I honestly think that he fancies me, assuming that he IS gay. To be honest it's flattering that anyone could find me interesting enough to pay me so much attention, gay or not.

I picked up my phone and considered calling Emma, but instantly Sue's face swan into my mind supplanting the image of my wife. This disconcerted me for a moment, then a scene from my dreams flashed into my mind; Emma was laughing at me in a straight-jacket while Sue struggled, in vain, to release the straps. My heart sank.

I sat and watched daytime TV with Johnnie, an activity I had always associated with women and the unemployed, again I realised my situation was putting me in touch with reality, my blinkered beliefs shattered again. We watched Jeremy Kyle, I'd not watched such a show since Trisha, nothing has changed. Johnnie just sat and made me feel comfortable, no mean feat considering that we had only just met. The illusion was shattered when my mobile rang. It was Sue.

She told me that she had been thinking about our conversation last night and had no answers. She apologised again for her perceived prior transgressions and once again I told her I hadn't even noticed. She laughed and dismissed the thought, then she became serious. She had a circle of friends that she could introduce me to that were all of, as she termed it, 'of a similar background'. She seemed caring, tender even, I have no idea why, but I took it as face value and promised to meet her tomorrow for an introduction to her friends. Maybe this was what I had anticipated as almost immediately my positive feeling grew, the focus was now understood.

The rest of the day was spent watching TV and talking to Johnnie. He is gay, he admitted as much and it was the reason he and his wife divorced. They are better friends beyond the split and even his children have shown understanding and keep in touch. I told him how lucky I thought he was. I hope he doesn't think I consider him a viable love option, although he could be a very good friend.

The girls came back just before four and I felt a bit embarrassed as they found me asleep on the sofa. Johnnie obviously found this amusing and tried to provoke a sexual discussion, I think I felt more uncomfortable than the others so I went to my room.

I must have fallen asleep as I lay on my bed because when my phone rang I had no idea where I was or why it was dark. It was Emma and she was crying. She was feeling extremely guilty, blaming herself for my mental illness and for pressuring me into seeking psychiatric help. She told me the kids, the younger ones at least, were very upset and cried every night for me to come home. Emma wanted me home, even the boys missed me and would prefer me to come back. She stopped short of begging, but, I felt that she really wanted me back home. I calmed her down and told her we would talk about this at a later point, when I had thought about my current situation. She agreed and we hung up on reasonably decent terms, both promising to call each other more often.

I'm sitting here, numbly typing and looking forward to falling asleep. Please, no dreams.

More later.

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